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My Body Mythology- The First Offense

 *Sexual Abuse Trigger Warning* I was sexually abused by my oldest step-brother when I was 4 and he was 16.  ( I'll call him OSB, as in future writings my other step-brother may be mentioned, and I want to differentiate between the two. ) It was my first experience dealing with not being respected as a human being that I can recall from memory. My lack of consent was ignored, and fear was planted in my young mind. The abuse happened on two separate occasions, and I remember it one way, but my mom says it had to have happened the opposite way. To this day I'm not sure of which order anymore, but I will tell it how I recall it. In my mind, the first time happened outside in the storm cellar out at the homestead. I used to enjoy going into the storm cellar as it was so neat to my young self. After the incident, I never wanted to set foot in there again. I believe the three of us ( OSB, SB, and I were playing outside. ) OSB told me to follow him into the storm cellar, I don't r
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A Love Letter

My Queen. You are my Goddess embodied and I am so sorry for how hard I have been on you.  I have tried to morph you into the idea of what a queenly body was supposed to be- not cultivating your true nature. I tried to shrink you down to size...starve you of nutrients.  I wanted to be small...delicate. I didn't understand or see your strength. A friend (massage therapist) once told me that it might be more difficult or take more time for me to build muscle. However, when I built muscle, I built GOOD muscle. My Queen, you knew all along that I would need to be strong to get through life. My broad shoulders would carry a lot of weight- so my heart would not be crushed. I tried to take advantage of you so much. Push you past certain points. The pain I received was you trying to get me to pull back. I'm sorry I was a poor listener. We are still working together through the repetitive motion strain/injuries. I am trying my best to take care of you now...to listen...to not let pride d

A Woman Ignited

In March I decided to step out of my comfort zone and sign up for an 8 week class from Sheila Kelly ( SFactor ) called Woman Ignited .  I was extremely nervous and ever hopeful that perhaps this class and interacting with other women on a similar journey of growth and discovery would be powerful.  I've been on a self-growth journey for a couple years now (after my dad died in '18) and I've noticed that certain months out of the year I shut off my sensual and sexual self. I shut off the sides of me that I feel are my most feminine.  It's summer, it's busy at work, and ultimately I tell myself I don't have time to caiter to my womanly needs. I don't have time to be sexual. Work and life are busy and stressful from March until October, so why add on another layer of complexity? The reality is, when I allow that side of myself to shine, I end up being a HAPPIER person. If my entire goal right now is to live "Happyness Life" why the hell am I drowning