The Dance of Shame
It's been an interesting (almost) week. I started inching my way into Module 2 of the coaching program I'm in, and it is definitely a doozy. It's good that I'm calling it that, but it definitely puts me in a thoughtful mood.
I'm wrapping up 7 days of movement (a few more days to go) and I did some additional writing on some questions surrounding shame.
Oh, Shame. You saucy minx.
Shame is something that I've felt deeply in all aspects of my life, for as many years as I remember remembering. Yes. For as far back as I can remember, with having an actual memory- which means I was in my toddler years. Think about that. Toddler years.
And then when I was 4 years old.
And from there....all the way up until I'm the age I am now. (Which is 38, by the way, at the time of writing this.)
An exercise was to write down something that you felt shame over in multiple areas of life, so one would write something around work/career, relationship, sexuality/sensuality, spirituality, body, friends, and money/finances. It could be something that you still felt triggered by or something that you've been able to fully process and complete (meaning, no charge). Then one should also contemplate on factors of where you hold your shame, how you learned to hold your shame, and why you feel you are supposed to hold shame.
It's some deep-thinking sh*t. I had to take a few moments during writing to just stop and let things sink, absorb, and settle.
I cannot tell you how much this triggers instant thoughts of "You are not enough. You are not going to be enough. How do you expect to accomplish anything? How do you expect to coach anyone? How do you think you'll be successful?"
There are, most definitely, intense feelings.
Even tho I am establishing a much healthier comfort level with myself, even tho I feel like I'm increasing my ability to listen to my higher self, I realize that there is much more of the process to go. I have to continually remind myself that this is a journey- it's not a short trip. This is a literal move of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects. It's. Not. A. Race. It's not a race against myself or my peers. It is an experience and it's one to be savored.
Each day I dive into a deeper layer of myself, this stunning inner world of emotion. I get to choose my adventure and the depth of which I travel at any one time. I can push myself beyond what I think I am capable of, or let myself stay entirely where I feel safe and comfortable. Each day is different and ripe with possibility and opportunity.
As I move and process through these 7 days, in contemplation of the various triggers of my personal shame, I celebrate my willingness to share.
Part of my releasing shame from the triggers IS by sharing. I have seen what not sharing looks like firsthand, and the depth with which it pierced my heart is lasting. I am here to remind you that sharing is, literally, caring. Embodiment for someone who has had to put up walls of armor and live in a sea of numbness is not easy. I don't think anyone truly understands how much I felt like I had to hide parts of myself, all during my life. I'm literally going through a process of figuring out who I am and finding my authentic self. This is life. This is embodiment. This is feminine flow at its finest. I am here.