F*ckfinity Adventures Vol. 2
My husband and I were watching videos on YouTube- it can be a wormhole to be sure. One of our favorites to watch and learn from is Nadia Bokody. She creates a good amount of content for educational purposes and is easy to listen to. She embodies the "best friend you can talk to about anything sex-wise" extremely well.
The video was about "fingering" and was ultimately an educational video for women, girls, non-binary, and anyone with a vulva who wanted to either learn about why it's okay to explore and/or a couple of simple techniques and general knowledge on what one should do to prevent infections, etc.
At one point she brought up that she often gets asked about age- what age is too young to explore yourself, and is it okay? Ultimately, any age is okay for self-exploration. Self-exploration should be taught in general, plus be told that it's okay to do in the first place. (Sex, on the other hand, should only be on the table when persons involved are of legal age.)
It hit me.
When I was younger I never really explored my own body. I feel the direct reason behind that was due to my being sexually abused by my oldest step-brother when I was 4 years old. I had 2 situations where he had me engage in sexual acts, but the one that I think hit me the hardest was when he went down on me.
As I watched Nadia's video, I felt a wave of emotion hit me. I felt angry, sad, frustrated, sick....I realized that what had been done to me at that time did give me PLEASURABLE feelings- but the context surrounding the whole situation was completely WRONG. (He was 16, also. So take that into consideration.)
I think because I experienced a pleasurable feeling in a situation where I was scared shitless- and knew that all other bits and pieces of it were wrong by default. (Age, person, him verbally abusing me into being scared to death over saying anything.)
I apparently thought shutting down any association of pleasure with myself was the safest thing I could do.
I remember when I was a bit older, I think after reading magazines like Glamour and Cosmopolitan, I tried masturbating....and found it to be extremely lackluster. Self-pleasure, for me, was a chore. I was disassociated from it. It was an empty experience. Especially with strict external stimulation.
I eventually discovered internal stimulation but never considered blending the two, together, until many years later....and it was years before I had my first clitoral orgasm with a vibrator.
I became, momentarily, very angry. I wanted to scream.
A person that I wanted to love me (because I wanted the whole "big brother" sort of thing)...took something away from me. My ability to feel safe exploring my body. Because I ended up associating pleasure with "wrong" and "bad" at the age of 4.
Because of his actions, it took me years to cultivate comfort, acceptance, and curiosity around sex. To make positive associations surrounding self-pleasure and myself. I also wonder now if that is why I struggle to fully enjoy clitoral stimulation alone. I usually always have to incorporate something else with it in order to have an orgasm. (Which in theory, there is absolutely nothing wrong with liking dual stimulation! Just a curiosity that I have with myself this second.)
Now, one might ask if I went to therapy over this whole bit when I was younger, and the answer is no. Plus, therapy at that age would not have done me well at all when it would come to self-pleasure, curiosity, etc. I'm at an age where openness about sex really didn't take off until I was well into adulthood. What I'm seeing now for education, reading material, and such is FAR superior to what I had growing up.
I cannot live life having regrets over what shaped the course of my sexual curiosity. I can't go back and change the past, fully erase it, and start over. It's already done- but I can work on healing the trauma that it caused. In doing so I feel like I can continue forward with my sexual journey more fully- and someday maybe I'll be able to help someone overcome their own trauma surrounding a negative experience.