It seemed so out of line with what I thought women would like...what I would like...
What did I like?
In my younger years, after we had a satellite dish installed, I discovered the Playboy channel. I watched shows on it a few times, one being Sex Court, which I found entertaining and the other was a talk show (can't recall the name.) I remember feeling curious yet totally worried about being "caught"...there was shame associated. Even though, it was the most actual sex education I ever had.
Now, this may come as a shock in one way or another to you, but...I like porn. It's a profound, "holy crap" sort of realization that is completely liberating.
For a long time, I blamed porn for part of why my relationship with my ex-husband was not great in some areas. What I didn't realize at the time, it wasn't the fault of porn...it was the fault of the consumer. There were mental and emotional problems along with depression and anxiety- a whole gamut of issues that he chose not to actively work on trying to get help for and/or resolve.
I was too naive at the time to understand that.
Fast forward years later.
Through the power of the internet, and exploring folks on Instagram who are sex-positive, I was surprised to learn that women did enjoy porn. I was absolutely flabbergasted. How? All I remember seeing of porn was what my ex-husband owned and it was VERY male-centric. I assumed all porn was like that. So, I put on my investigative pants and decided to take a dive into looking at porn.
I read erotic novels, which my current husband says is basically word porn. He's right. Especially the stuff that I read now- it's a FAR cry from the Harliquen and Silhouette novels I'd pilfer from my grandma. I relish the words: cock, cum, pussy, cream, and fuck. The more descriptive, the better. I create the scenes in my mind or primarily focus on what the man says.
I was encouraged to explore and find what I would enjoy- I was also lucky that my husband helped me out by finding a few things for me to view based off of what he knew I liked (in general.)
I started off what I deemed very safe and went the route of plot-based (heavily) and opted for the two Pirates movies that were out at the time. I love Pirates of the Caribbean, so I figured that those would be extremely safe for me. They were. Cheesy? Absolutely at times. However, the curious predicament of "What does a couple DO during a plot-based porn film?"
Eventually I was introduced to Pornhub.
I found the options completely overwhelming and it was sensory overload for me.
Then I found Bellesa Co.- I found it somewhat easier to navigate. It had a brighter look to it which made it feel less...sleazy? It felt safe and comfortable.
Then I discovered Lust Cinema from Erika Lust. With Erika Lust, there are a few different avenues one can take- ErikaLust.com, Lust Cinema, XConfessions, and Else Cinema (which is soft-core)...at this time I have subscribed to Lust Cinema which has productions from her studio as well as others.
If you explore Bellesa Co. and what Erika Lust offers, you'll definitely find films to view that are what I would consider catered to women. A lot of focus on their orgasms and pleasure- truly, there is something for everyone. A wide array of what a person might like to explore sexually and multiple body types. I remember from what I saw in my ex-husband's collection...body types that I absolutely could not compete with and/or work myself towards. It made me feel extremely inadequate and uncomfortable. Now you can find women in all shapes and sizes. Natural/small breasts, more athletic builds, etc. There are multiple body types for men, too. Maybe it doesn't seem as varied, but I appreciate seeing some who are more on the svelte side rather than big and buff "macho men."
Do keep in mind, if you're similar to myself with working on ones self acceptance of their own body, sensuality, and love of sex...you may find yourself overwhelmed at times. I've definitaly gone one step forward and two steps back...my confidence will wane and I'll feel inadequate and uncomfortable. I take a break from visuals and go to strict imagination and/or reading a book. The whole process of learning to accept my body and my love of sex is something that will take years- it's good to remember to be gentle with yourself. Don't force yourself down a path you aren't open to taking- take small steps and explore with an open mind and heart. Take time away if it feels overwhelming- that's totally okay.
A podcast also helped me explore further into the porn world. Holly Randall Unfiltered. Holly has been a wonderful resource with her podcast interviews of porn stars (current & former) along with sex-positive folks and sex educators. Seriously, Holly's podcast is truly one of the reasons I took a deep dive into my feelings about porn- it made me think. For me, I feel more comfortable about something when I know more about it, and the interviews truly helped me to feel more comfortable. Plus, for myself, the more humanized someone is, the less intimidating it feels to me. Some of my favorite performers are the ones whom I feel like I could get along with in real life. Folks who are sex-positive, who believe in quality sex education, and who come off as completely authentic and kind people. Holly has interviews with folks as far back as 2 years, and I still haven't listened to them, but I go back and forth between listening to older interviews and current.
Some of my favorites are interviews she's done include:
Keeley Rankin, Justin Lehmiller, Tristan Taormino, Elle Chase, Dirty Lola, Nina Hartley, Savannah Solo, Ginger Lynn, Sasha Grey, Karla Kush, Ryan Keely, Kristen Scott, Bree Mills, Karmen Karma, Small Hands, Buck Angel, Joanna Angel, Asa Akira, Angela White, Erika Lust, Kayden Kross, Alison Boden, Shameless Sex (Amy and April), and Michael Vegas.
Truthfully, there are so many more, but this is absolutely a wonderful mix of folks who are on the sex-positive spectrum from educators to performers.
I've learned in with all of this, pornography in general can be in several forms and I've found that I can appreciate and find appreciation with visual and audio forms. If I can, I imagine many others have already discovered this and/or will in the future.
I've found that with porn, there are so many different styles, body types, kinks, etc. that can be and are represented- which I think is absolutely fabulous. I'm a literal person, and sometimes I feel like my imagination is only as good as my life experience. So if I don't read something that sends a spark, I'm stuck in an uninspiring state. I've found that porn helps me to actually see without having my imagination be the only way to visualize. Sometimes I watch it and sometimes it's all about the audio- it can be whatever I want it to be at any given time.
According to the Erotic Blueprint quiz from Jaiya, I'm mostly kinky with a good blend of about everything else. I definitely find myself more intrigued with what could be considered "taboo" to some. Everyone is going to have different meanings for their personal term of "taboo" and some may be more intense than others. Really, you simply have to explore to see what jives with you. I'm someone who considers themselves submissive and/or submissive brat. I like being blindfolded. I like sensory play in terms of strong grip, light touch, pulling, pinching, and spanking. I like dressing up but not necessarily role playing.
Trenchcoat X- it will be a studio that doesn't have a lot of films, but there are options for anyone who want to explore say the kinkier side of things, but also beautiful options like the Sun-Lit series. The Sun-Lit videos are spot on if you're wanting bright, sensual sex.
Deeper- Kayden Cross has created what I consider almost the Disney Movie style of visual porn that is breathtaking. At this time, I would say anything in the Deeper category is going to have more of that dark, mysterious, and to some- kinky factor. They are produced in such a high quality mannor that makes it seem as though you may be watching a mainstream film.
Other things to note-
Adult Empire is a gigantic library in which to puruse and it's a great place to start if you're looking to purchase DVDS, etc. It is absolutely overwhelming, especially for someone like myself. In all honesty, listining to HRU helped me navigate some of that as I was able to find folks who sound like absolutely wonderful people who enjoy what they do for a living. I would start fielding searches based on a few things: women directed, popular for women, and actors that I felt comfortable with. Keep in mind, you'll still be down what feels like a neverending wormhole of options, and you may come away with what feels like a dud purchase sometimes.
Many productions are becoming more plot-based. If you're streaming a movie or watching a DVD you can skip past the plot.
If you subscribe to AE, you can search for clips that will minimize the amount of plot.
Personally, I feel like films are becoming better compared to some things I've watched that were produced in the early 2000's. Literally, there is quality porn available, and it's not at all like what my ex-husband would have watched. I mean, some of it is actually stunning, beautiful, and well crafted. Look at porn like one looks at beer. You have the option of PBR quality beer or you have the option of locally brewed, DIPA. Of course it's always personal preference...but I always go for the DIPA.
If one isn't wanting to purchase DVDs- get an annual plan with AE or Erika Lust or Bellesa Co. and you can navigate through different options to stream. Personally, I like having DVDs because sometimes I get so overwhelmed with options that I'm better off saying "Okay, this is THE option for today!"
If you have Roku, you can download AE to your channels, which makes it SUPER convenient. Do note, that you can only have the account streaming from one device at a time, so if you are wanting to play around with different locations in your home (and have multiple tvs, it won't work unless you have multiple accounts.)
For the love of all things good in the world- PURCHASE your porn.
Bellesa Co. does have some options you can view for free, which could help introduce you to what you might like.
Erika Lust gifts you a free movie on her platoforms.
After that- do the right thing and purchase.
Do not go to sketchy-ass sites.
Do not download unless it's like Erika Lust's site that says you get 10 free downloads (it's included with your yearly plan.)
Be a good and honest consumer of ethical porn.