Skip to main content

Learning to Shine Bright

I came to the conclusion that one of the reasons I'm feeling stuck with the Woman Ignited course right now, is because I've been trying to continually shrink myself into a smaller size. 

I'm not talking about my physical body, more I'm talking about my metaphysical body. My spirit. My soul. My personality. Everything that makes me, ME.

I try to shrink my feelings and my emotions.
I hide my childlike exuberance by holding back smiles and laughter.
I'm afraid to be big. To have big energy. To laugh without holding back.

I'm afraid to let myself shine. To let all of the light in, and have that light wrap around me like a warm blanket. No. I'm not worthy of having so much loving light.

Why the fuck am I not worthy?
Who said I'm not?

I have come to another conclusion that part of why I feel this way is because I'm mentally and emotionally tired of being judged. 

I've been judged since I was young for being my mom's daughter (literally because I came out of her womb.) It didn't matter my personality or how much love I had to give. Because I was her literal offspring, I was judged. 

I was judged for being my father's daughter. 

I was judged for how much I talked. For how I dreamed too big. 

I was judged because of my last name.

I was judged because of the clothes I wore. 

I was judged because of the clothes I wanted to wear.

I'm still judged for so many things:
My mountain biking skill, the bikes I ride, the fact I'm pro-mask, and that I don't want to have children.
I'm judged for wanting to expand my mind.
I'm judged for being sex-positive.
I'm judged for riding an e-bike.
I'm judged because I have a pussy.
I'm judged by my hair length.

This is a short list of what I feel are accurate judgments, and I wonder...why the fuck did my spirit want to live life as a human? Why would anyone want to come and live life as a human when it's so fucking hard on a mental and emotional level? What lesson am I supposed to learn with all of this?

I'm in the process of growth and expansion within myself, and I can feel the pull and tug of things shifting around. Pushing forward, contracting, and settling. It's uncomfortable. It can be painful at times. It's exhilarating. It's making me think. It's making me make decisions that I would otherwise ignore. 

When I came out of the womb. I was a bright light just waiting to grow up and shine. Life decided to throw some curveballs...I withdrew. I pulled the covers up and over my head. The brightness dulled. Lucky for me, I had cracks that let the bright light shine through. Those cracks embarrassed me...they made me feel vulnerable. Too human. Too much. I'm chipping away at the covering over myself that has blocked the light from shining through. Sometimes big chunks fall away, other times small fragments- either way, it's all progress.

I look to the women who inspire me with their confidence, vulnerability, boldness, and zest for life. They have managed to accept that to live a more full life, one must let their light shine bright.

Here I come.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Pipedream 3Some Rock N Ride Review

When I was given the opportunity to review the 3Some Rock N Ride , I was stoked! I'm really intrigued with finding the perfect DP toy that I could use solo or with partnered sex. This luxury toy sounded like it would be a great mix of what I had already experienced with the 3Some Total Ecstasy, but with slightly different shapes and potential improvements. The Rock N Ride would have a neat little handle to allow you to position the toy and make it move without having to just grind on it. I liked how the anal stimulator was smaller and tapered, because not every time do I want to insert a fuller anal plug right at the get-go, even if it does feel good once in. Sometimes I'm more in the mood for anal teasing instead of the filled up feeling, and the beaded anal plug would do just that. The G-spot stimulator is of similar shape to the 3Some Total Ecstasy, so I knew it would feel good without question. What I was most excited about was the ribbed clitoral stimulator mo

JimmyJane Form 2 Review: Did I Experience Dynamic Stimulation?

During my quest to find a vibrator that I could use during "sexy time" with my hubby, I came across the JimmyJane Form 2 vibrator . It's a hand-held vibrator that is small enough in size to be useful in multiple positions and not get in the way. Being that I enjoy bright, fun colors, I chose the hot pink option. I guess there are times when I could be classified as a "girly girl" and when there is a vibrant shade of fuchsia to be had, I have to have it. Not to mention it is considered a body-safe and Phthalate-free toy! The Form 2 has two motors that make up the device, one in each ear. The instructions give you a variety of ideas on how to use the vibrator for your lower half or even on your nipples. You can hold the vibe in place or squeeze the ears. It's also waterproof, so you can enjoy tub time with a little stimulation if you so desire. I also chose this vibrator due to it having a travel lock, which I feel is a handy thing to have if one

Rocks-Off EveryGirl Rabbit Vibrator: Is It What I Want? Is It What I Need?

Today I will give you my candid take on the beautiful EveryGirl Rabbit Vibrator from the company called Rocks-Off. This vibrator came from SheVibe  and it comes in three colors, of which I chose the teal one because it seemed the happiest! Out of the toys I have experimented with, I had only one rabbit-style vibrator to my name, and I didn't pick it out myself. I didn't dislike the vibrator I already had, but I did wonder what was out there and if there could be some improvements to the style that I have yet to experience. I also wanted to try out something that was under $200, because not everyone is able to spend oodles of cash on a sex aid. The EveryGirl Rabbit Vibrator comes in at $82.99 ( right now at SheVibe it's $59.99! ) In my opinion, a very respectable price point for a rabbit-style vibrator that looks well made and has an independent dual-motor function. What I was most excited about when it came to the vibrator was the dual-motor function that all