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Learning to Shine Bright

I came to the conclusion that one of the reasons I'm feeling stuck with the Woman Ignited course right now, is because I've been trying to continually shrink myself into a smaller size. 

I'm not talking about my physical body, more I'm talking about my metaphysical body. My spirit. My soul. My personality. Everything that makes me, ME.

I try to shrink my feelings and my emotions.
I hide my childlike exuberance by holding back smiles and laughter.
I'm afraid to be big. To have big energy. To laugh without holding back.

I'm afraid to let myself shine. To let all of the light in, and have that light wrap around me like a warm blanket. No. I'm not worthy of having so much loving light.

Why the fuck am I not worthy?
Who said I'm not?

I have come to another conclusion that part of why I feel this way is because I'm mentally and emotionally tired of being judged. 

I've been judged since I was young for being my mom's daughter (literally because I came out of her womb.) It didn't matter my personality or how much love I had to give. Because I was her literal offspring, I was judged. 

I was judged for being my father's daughter. 

I was judged for how much I talked. For how I dreamed too big. 

I was judged because of my last name.

I was judged because of the clothes I wore. 

I was judged because of the clothes I wanted to wear.

I'm still judged for so many things:
My mountain biking skill, the bikes I ride, the fact I'm pro-mask, and that I don't want to have children.
I'm judged for wanting to expand my mind.
I'm judged for being sex-positive.
I'm judged for riding an e-bike.
I'm judged because I have a pussy.
I'm judged by my hair length.

This is a short list of what I feel are accurate judgments, and I wonder...why the fuck did my spirit want to live life as a human? Why would anyone want to come and live life as a human when it's so fucking hard on a mental and emotional level? What lesson am I supposed to learn with all of this?

I'm in the process of growth and expansion within myself, and I can feel the pull and tug of things shifting around. Pushing forward, contracting, and settling. It's uncomfortable. It can be painful at times. It's exhilarating. It's making me think. It's making me make decisions that I would otherwise ignore. 

When I came out of the womb. I was a bright light just waiting to grow up and shine. Life decided to throw some curveballs...I withdrew. I pulled the covers up and over my head. The brightness dulled. Lucky for me, I had cracks that let the bright light shine through. Those cracks embarrassed me...they made me feel vulnerable. Too human. Too much. I'm chipping away at the covering over myself that has blocked the light from shining through. Sometimes big chunks fall away, other times small fragments- either way, it's all progress.

I look to the women who inspire me with their confidence, vulnerability, boldness, and zest for life. They have managed to accept that to live a more full life, one must let their light shine bright.

Here I come.


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