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A Woman Ignited

In March I decided to step out of my comfort zone and sign up for an 8 week class from Sheila Kelly (SFactor) called Woman Ignited. 

I was extremely nervous and ever hopeful that perhaps this class and interacting with other women on a similar journey of growth and discovery would be powerful. 

I've been on a self-growth journey for a couple years now (after my dad died in '18) and I've noticed that certain months out of the year I shut off my sensual and sexual self. I shut off the sides of me that I feel are my most feminine. 

It's summer, it's busy at work, and ultimately I tell myself I don't have time to caiter to my womanly needs. I don't have time to be sexual. Work and life are busy and stressful from March until October, so why add on another layer of complexity?

The reality is, when I allow that side of myself to shine, I end up being a HAPPIER person. If my entire goal right now is to live "Happyness Life" why the hell am I drowning out something that makes me HAPPY?

What a reality check.

Right before the course started, I was added to a Facebook group and from there, I began to feel uncomfortable. Anxiety was rising periodically as one is supposed to connect with someone as their Truth Partner. The concept is similar to what I would think a blind date would feel like. Worry and fear started to well up inside of me as I've found connecting with others to be my greatest joy but also my largest obstacle. I suppose because I always felt misunderstood during my childhood, teen, and young adult years. The idea of meeting someone else's expectations and not being "too weird" or "too talkative" gives me pause. 

I was given the gift of talking or as I call it, "Storytelling"....the ability to ramble on about something I thoroughly enjoy or have experience with. 

I think it's a combination of:
My being enamored with the topic and feeling like I can pull from experience/relate/want to learn...or because I'm absolutely writhing in nervous energy.

Talking is a form of expression that I've had a love/hate relationship with because it's being vulnerable in real-time, not only with words but with eye contact. As someone who has had anxiety most of their life in some shape/form, eye contact is extremely challenging for me. Depending on where I'm at in my anxiety, it's also challenging for me to put words together to express thoughts/feelings or whatever. Writing ultimately became my safe space because I can see what I'm going to say and check it to make sure it's what I mean before I press "enter."

I discovered that folks were open to chatting over Zoom than messaging or emailing 100% of the time. This is a big step for me because Zoom is virtually talking to someone face to face. It brings up nervous energy for me that's a mixture of positive (excitement) and negative ("Will I make a fool out of myself? Put my proverbial foot in my mouth? Say the wrong thing? Sound funny?")

Nothing inspires confidence like feeling as tho you're back in grade school, waiting to be picked for a team during P.E.
You were always the one who was picked second to last, or last.
Will it be the same way?

You're a person who has not had many friends who identified as women over the years. For some reason, you always seemed to be the kind of woman that fellow women either felt uncomfortable around or wanted to "fix" and "transform" into the ideal person they wanted rather than accepting you for yourself.

As a person who deals with the feelings of wanting to be accepted, knowing that you won't resonate with everyone is challenging, and it makes you wonder if you will resonate with ANYone.

Signing up for this class and understanding that I would be interacting with women from all over, excited me yet also brought up some of my biggest insecurities. I suppose partly because when I was younger I never felt like I could identify as a fellow female to the degree I wanted to. I was raised to be independent. Not to be feminine. Jeans and t-shirts were my uniform and I hated tight-fitting clothing. I went through puberty at a young age, getting my first period at 10. I hated my breasts for developing so soon. Then I hated my breasts for their smaller size once I was older.

I never or rarely felt comfortable in my body. I was chunky in my younger years and once I lost weight, I felt naked. I was not born with an hourglass shape, but more I was born to be athletic, strong, and solid (while being petite)...basically, everything that isn't the so-called "ideal shape."

So many thoughts and feelings...

I decided that what would help me the most is putting myself out there and making MULTIPLE new friends to chat with rather than just one. One seems so absolute. What if one resonates with multiple women and their stories? If a Truth Partner is to hold you accountable, why couldn't multiple folks hold me accountable? Just the idea of having a group of supportive women surrounding me made me feel more comfortable than wondering if I'd be lucky to have one person. 

I decided to do it and I gave in to building a wall of support! There are so many personalities, so many truths being spoken, similar circumstances with several yet all so different. I'm a curious person, and my heart wants to make connections with like-minded individuals. I've been down the road so many times, feeling misunderstood, feeling lonely, and not feeling as tho anyone around me could relate. I decided, just like signing up for this class, to jump at the chance of doing something scary, yet positive.

What does Ignited mean to me?
So much of myself these past few years has been based off wanting to break down barriers. I'm a woman and I mountain bike. I'm a woman who isn't afraid to talk about sex, masturbation, or sexual aids aka toys or whatever you feel comfortable calling them.
When I write, I go in without reservation...which could get me in trouble with those who maybe aren't as open-minded. When I write, it's my personal truth, and sometimes I feel I have to say the things that are scary in order to progress and heal as a soul living this human experience.

It's passion. It's deep love. It's caring for fellow humans and showing compassion.
It's moving deep within my body. 
It's allowing myself to experience pleasure in all shapes and forms.
It's letting go of what I'm most afraid of.
It's a gentle kiss on the neck, which stirrs up all of the feelings of anticipation, excitement, and joy.
It's being as comfortable as you can be in your body.
It's loving yourself as much as you can in that given moment.
It's learning to say YES to what turns you on, sexually or not.
It's learning to say NO to what turns you off, sexually or not.
It's allowing you to take care of you, and not feel guilty.
It's giving yourself space to expand the edges of your being.
Move with joy and not care how silly or erotic it might look. It's your movement.
Your story.

There is a fire deep in my soul. It's a small flame at this time because she's had to deal with a lot of harsh shit for so many years in a row. My heart has kept adding some kindling knowing that at some point she'll be able to roar forth in all her glory. Unashamed. Unabashed. Hot. Sensual. 
To fully immerse in life. To open up her arms and welcome all that there is and yet to be.


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