I told myself to stop it, but I couldn't.
It's not that they are terribly saggy, but they are not (imo) what you would find on an 18-year-old. I'm 35. No shit. I started to judge my left boob over my right because it isn't as full as the right one. You know, something that is extremely typical and common as total symmetry between body parts is rare.
I looked at my face. I looked at the rest of my body. I fell down into a dark hole.
This whole journey of sexual awakening and self-awareness can sometimes backfire in my face. Hubby thinks it's because I am seeing so many different bodies on social media now. Also, since I have started periodically watching porn, it feels like attractive bodies are everywhere. It's almost impossible for me to completely withhold comparisons and judgemental thoughts against myself sometimes.
Embracing my Sexy Life means that I have to accept that sometimes I will go two steps back when it comes to my self-love goals. I have years upon years of negative self-talk and opinions of myself that need to be worked on. Slowly but surely, bit by bit, I chip away at some of the walls I have built up around myself.
I have regular proof that my husband finds me attractive.
I have days where I feel foxy AF.
So even tho I have perceived imperfections when it comes to how I physically look, in theory, everyone has something.
The reality is: I like myself enough the way I am, that I'm not going to surgically alter anything, even tho I think it might make me feel a little happier. Really, I feel like it would be temporary happiness and then my thoughts would shift to something else that I don't like. It's no different than when I lost weight. I thought being skinnier would make everything better, but it turns out that it really didn't. Even tho I thought and felt "good" it didn't boost my confidence in the way that I thought it would. Also, it attracted negative attention from my fellow female classmates. I was judged and called names over it. So, even if I did something to give myself what I would deem "perfect boobs" I acknowledge that it wouldn't actually "fix" anything with me.
I'm also trying to ignite my Sexy Life during the throes of winter, and this time of year is pretty much a heaping pile of bullcrap. My time outdoors is limited, I'm cold, it's grey (lack of sunshine) and I'm just more inclined to feel "blah."
I guess this means I should masturbate more often.
What I think:
Don't expect your life to do a full 360 shift when it comes to embracing your Sexy Life, especially if you've struggled for years to accept yourself. There will be days where you'll feel absolutely sexy and other days where you wonder "What the fuck am I trying to do?"
I think it's normal. Change is hard, if it wasn't, everyone would be the best version of themselves from the getgo. Relationships with others and with yourself would be easy and effortless. Reality is, it's not. Change brings out the best and worst in us at any given moment. The best thing to do, when you're feeling afraid of change, is to be gentle with yourself. Allow the feelings to exist, but remember that they exist because you are doing something amazing. You are growing. You are healing. You are learning to love yourself.