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Afraid For The Wrong Reasons

I was afraid of porn for many years, it was only until a few months ago that I realized that perhaps my fears were not necessary.


The big question was, Why?

I had read two books back to back, where the authors had described a relatively positive relationship with porn. 

They watched porn themselves and talked about how there is porn out there for everyone. Literally, you can find just about everything, and that porn can contribute to a healthy sex life. 

The books were written by women.

Women who had a healthy relationship with porn. As in, women who were not intimidated as fuck by porn but more or less, used it to explore and learn, even enhance.

Ironically, I wasn't afraid of porn back in my younger years. I remember the intrigue of the Playboy Channel when we got satellite t.v. at home. I didn't think any less of my step-dad for watching it. I knew where he had stashed his old Playboy magazines, and I regularly flipped through them when he wasn't home. More or less for the comics. 

Hell, my real dad had Penthouse magazines behind the seat of his truck that I know he had rescued from the neighborhood dumpster. I can't remember if I stole a Penthouse magazine from him, but I remember I had a Penthouse magazine from somewhere, and I really enjoyed reading the stories in it.

My fear of porn came from my ex-husband.
Because there were instances where porn completely took over.
We weren't having sex and it wasn't for lack of my trying to initiate. I would initiate but be told I wanted sex "too much." Yet when I would come home and turn on the t.v. the evidence was clear (because of the volume being turned down low)...he had watched porn.
He would watch porn when I wasn't around. Who knows what else he looked at on the computer.
Yet it did nothing to ignite our sex life. He avoided it and it hurt. I can't say how much it knocked down my confidence, but it did. I felt like, in this instance, his videos replaced the physical portion of our relationship.

Maybe he was depressed (he did go through periods of severe depression) and perhaps it was easier to dehumanize the sexual experience if he watched it. Rather than enhancing anything between the two of us, he was satisfied and I was left to my own devices (which at the time was zero.)

He didn't share the experience with me, either. It was as tho he was ashamed but at the same time, he would say that porn was "who he was" as if it defined him as a human. He was known for his extremely large porn collection, and it was talked about extensively in our friend group. To some, he was basically a god because of it.

He was the kind of guy that if he didn't get me off first, and if he came inside me, he wouldn't go down on me afterward. He wanted nothing to do with his semen. He was actually somewhat repulsed by it. (So much so, he would hurry me off to the bathroom because he didn't want to see it come out of me.)

So, if we had sex, regardless of how short of a period of time it was (there were definitely performance anxiety issues) my needs were rarely met. I was also made to feel like I was essentially a dirty person because he ejaculated inside me. 

Needless to say, things were a bit fucked up.

I can say that we did not have a healthy, encouraging, nor explorative sexual relationship.
I did not effectively communicate my needs but I can also say he didn't either.
For him, porn was safe because it wasn't a real human. So when presented the idea of a human vs. porn it's obvious that it's easier to vote for porn he wouldn't have to worry about anything.

We've been divorced for almost 8 years.
It literally took me almost 8 years for me to figure some shit out about myself and to work on healing the wounds that were created by someone who clearly had some sexuality issues of their own.

I feel like a grade-A asshole because I felt a sense of hatred towards something that I shouldn't have. I passed judgment on fellow humans for their line of work and for (in my past opinion) destroying my sex life. In reality, it wasn't the fault of porn as opposed to the fault of the person watching the porn. The fact is, my ex-husband should have never been in a long-term relationship with me unless he had been open enough to seek out therapy for his underlying sexuality issues. (Any time he did go to therapy for depression issues and such, he took joy in "outsmarting" the therapist. There was never any real interest in actually working on himself.)

I could've learned a lot more about sex (because most of my "sexucation" was based on romance novels). I could've literally seen different things that maybe I would like to do or have done. I could've searched the internet sooner to find more bodies that looked like mine. I could've worked on letting go of some of the shame that clouded my sexuality. 

Almost 8 years later, I'm finding myself building up confidence in my sexuality one orgasm at a time (haha!) I'm discovering that porn is not the enemy I thought it was, and it was introduced back into my life in a healthy way. It's definitely not replacing anything. It's also fun because I love reading erotic novels, and it's like putting an erotic novel up on the t.v. I'm just not using my imagination. 

I'm more open to talking about what I want. I'm not afraid to use sexual aids to help me orgasm, because sometimes you need a little help and there isn't anything wrong with that. (I'm learning and more accepting that certain times of the month or certain days are more challenging, and in no way should I feel ashamed of needing a vibrator to put me over the edge. I deserve orgasms just as much as anyone else does.)

It's also refreshing to be with someone who is not repulsed by bodily fluids. There is absolutely zero shame. (Can we get a "whoopwhoop?")

Remember...
It's always okay to explore new things (consensually, you don't want to force something.)
Regardless of how you identify, you deserve orgasms. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
There are lots of different styles/types of porn out there, don't knock it until you try it. What worked best for me are plot-based or parody based. It takes the edge off. Check out Pirates or Pirates Stangetti's Revenge (What can I say? I have a soft spot for pirates...)

There is no time like the present to facilitate your #sexylife!

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