Over the past couple of months as I've gone through great lengths to embrace my inner sexual goddess, I had to accept that I had to change my mind on a few things. One of those things was to work on letting go of the hurtful baggage I carried into the relationship I have with Hubby. My sexual relationship with my ex-husband was not the most positive, and in retrospect, I had very little knowledge or confidence with my sexual self. Hindsight is 20/20 and I realize that I tried to control my ex-husband's private sexual life, however, there was a point that I do believe his private sexual life was damaging to our relationship.
Our sex life was, for lack of better words...shit. He also wasn't willing or interested in going to therapy with me so we could work on our relationship issues. I realize at this point that he was never in a place where he wanted to change to better himself, which meant that there would be zero interest in working to better our relationship. I carried a lot of emotional baggage from that relationship and have worked on it slowly for several years, but one thing was for certain- I was terrified.
I was terrified of rejection.
I was worried that I would be replaced.
I was not even giving Hubby a chance.
I was not giving myself a chance.
I realized that to live my Sexy Life, I was going to have to enlist in TRUST. I would have to trust my husband along with trusting myself. When stepping into the idea of mutually working on a sexual relationship, both persons need to be able to trust one another. The tit for tat, so to speak.
For example, I had to tell Hubby that I felt hesitant to tell him what my sexual fantasies were because he had expressed they weren't similar to his and he didn't understand why I wanted what I wanted. To basically be rejected and told he didn't have an interest in assisting with making my fantasies come true didn't make me feel any more inclined to make HIS come to fruition, either. So it was a heart to heart where we had to discuss freely what we both wanted, and both be open to the other person and their wants/desires. Once he acknowledged that he hadn't approached my fantasies/desires in a very positive way, I was told that even tho it wasn't what he was personally interested in, he would do what he could to support my wishes. Thus, I was more open to supporting his knowing I wouldn't be laughed at nor have my desire for light BSDM action be shunned. Our communicating openly has allowed both of us to feel a lot more comfortable with our sexual selves.
One of the things I absolutely love is reading romance/erotic novels. It's something I enjoyed since I was a kid. Blame my grandma for leaving her Harlequin and Silhouette novels out in the open, but thank god, because they are what gave me some sort of idea on what sex was. (Even if it was romanticized.)
Not long before getting divorced, I ditched all of the cheesy romance novels and had also stopped buying novels. Thankfully, before I went on my book strike, I had purchased what one would consider "erotica" so I knew that books these days were a lot more sultry than those I read as a youngin.
With all of our conversations, I had the idea of bringing erotic reading back into my life. I get aroused far easier when my brain is involved than just my vision. So visual erotica (as in porn) typically doesn't rile me up as easily as reading something titillating. So, I told Hubby we would go to a book store and he would be asked to pick out at least one erotic book for me to enjoy.
I had Hubby read an excerpt from one of my books, to which he exclaimed: "This is word porn!"
He knew that I was shy of porn. I had, for lack of better words, a shitty experience with porn actually taking over in my previous relationship. (Porn would get watched, no sex with me would happen, and it went on like that for months.) So, I was extremely hesitant about watching porn. I also had the misconception that all porn was the same. Everyone would have a teensieweensie waist and huge boobs. I wouldn't find anyone relatable. How could I enjoy something when all I'm doing is judging myself against the people on the screen?
Lo and behold, there is a very vast world out there when it comes to pornography, and I have barely scratched the surface, but there is something for every. one.
I also learned that you can make watching porn FUN! Like, engage in sexual teasing with each other or play with toys while sex is happening on the screen, but stop when they aren't. (If you are watching a "movie" style film.) It was virtually extended foreplay and super fun. It also distracted me from any sort of discomfort I might be having.
Hubby and I have what we both like, he has accommodated my imagination by being supportive and purchasing books on my ever-growing wishlist of sexy stories. I have gone outside of my comfort zone and have ventured into exploring the world of pornography with an open mind, even going so far as to purchasing or adding to a wishlist the films that intrigue me the most to add a little "spice" to our Saturday night (or whatever night it might be!)
The more books I've read that talk about women and sexuality- finding and cultivating, the more I realize that women have and do watch porn and it's entirely okay. Yes, I had a bad experience with it on a personal level, but why damn something without giving it a second chance with someone who is completely different on all levels?
Do your research! There are many websites out there that cater specifically to the female audience.
Window shop. This is what I call looking online at various things like toys, books, and films- you can email yourself a wishlist. You don't have to commit to buying anything instantly, let yourself mull over it. When it came to movies, I also looked specifically at the ones considered "Best Sellers" because part of my issue was shitty, C-grade type videos that completely didn't interest me. At this time, I'll stick with what makes me comfortable and that's high-quality with a storyline.
I'm sure I'll adapt and my preferences will change, but until then, I will acknowledge I have a decerning eye for quality porn, toys, and books. For me, that's just part of igniting my Sexy Life! It means incorporating whatever appeals to me visually and mentally when it comes to books, movies, and toys. If I don't like the looks of it, I'm instantly turned off. If it appeals to my feminine side (the side I'm working to nourish) then it's game on!
Whatever you are looking to add in to help you embrace your sexy life, remember you can take your time with it. Decisions do not need to be made within seconds. Look at things online, cultivate your wish list, share your ideas with your partner. Maybe they'll do as Hubby did for me and surprise you with purchasing some of those items for you so you don't feel so overwhelmed. Either way, it's a great way to enhance your sex life and discover new things that you both may enjoy!