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Body Acceptance

I've struggled for years with accepting my physical appearance. It's been a challenging road filled with ups and downs. I think at times, it can be especially hard since I grew up somewhat overweight for many years.

I'd say that my generalized anxiety contributed to my love of food. The tastes and textures- the feeling of a full stomach felt like an internal hug.

I likely ate to fill a void I had when it came to feeling loved. When I ate, I felt happy. When I was full, I felt content.

Anyways, that's one part of the equation.

No one talks about how shitty it can be to go through puberty at a young age. It was also done in a very "This is what's happening" sort of way. It was scary, especially since I had so much anxiety about everything. My knowledge of periods came from information my mom printed for me off of the internet and being given a pad.

Breasts for a young girl can be traumatizing. Especially when all of the comments you hear about them are how "big" they are, how they might hit you in the face when you run, and the like. I had an awkward phase in my life where I had comments from my step-dad which were likely said to tease, but I think contributed to some uneasy feelings about my body. (This being a recent self-discovery.)

I decided when I was in high school that I wanted to lose weight and be more fit. So I exercised I conjunction with helping out on the farm. I also started to throw my food up. I was feeling out of control at the time, and it was a source of comfort. It's funny- when I was a kid having a full belly from gorging on food gave me comfort, but when I became a young woman, having an empty stomach gave me comfort.

My breasts became smaller. I had to let go of the idea that I would have D's or double D's. I would not be following in the footsteps of either grandma or a couple of my aunties. Nope. Not even close. I don't think I was ever destined for large breasts from the getgo, I just happened to develop early compared to my classmates.

That didn't soothe the sting.

I would spend many years feeling like a sham of a woman because I didn't have large breasts, and I questioned over whether or not I should've lost weight because I "lost my boobs."

Breasts are coveted by men and women alike. Desired. Wanted. Yet a lack of them can ignite feelings of inadequacy. Media shows you at a young age that "bigger is better" yet our bodies come in all different shapes and sizes. More and more you see media of folks who are embracing their bodies as they are, but when you've grown up having been fed that C's and D's are the "best" and that you should somehow strive for them even if genetics don't agree, how do you overcome?

Honestly, I'm still working on it. There are days when I love my breasts and there are days that I do not. I do love my nipples. I find my breasts (in general) okay. I don't have issues finding shirts that fit, but I do have issues filling out certain tops/dresses, etc. Well, that just means you find what works for you, and yes, sometimes that does mean having to admit that what you wish you could wear might not work the best for your body shape.

I've contemplated surgery ever so slightly. It wasn't until I had a conversation with a friend of mine that I felt relieved to know that I was definitely not alone in this. We both had similar feelings about surgery. Not only the cost of it but how long we'd be out of commission with other activities. I didn't like the maintenance that would ultimately come with having implants. All in all, I'd rather spend money on experiences that will enrich my life and not spend it on altering my body that would need to be altered again in my older years because of aging implants.

Also. I really hate the idea of surgery and being cut open.
I have high pain tolerance, but I have a low tolerance for being inactive. If I can't mountain bike for weeks on end, I'd go batshit crazy. I also feel like having a larger bust wouldn't do much for me in the confidence department because I wouldn't be going around showing them off anyway. I don't want people to interact with me because of my breasts. I don't crave unnecessary attention. I have no desire for a new wardrobe (having to get larger shirts) and most importantly- I have no desire to play around with the possibility of losing nipple sensation.

I'm serious. If I lost feeling in my nipples I would be incredibly pissed. "Lookie! I have amazing, fake boobs but I can't feel my nipples! YAY!"....NOT.
That would be hell. They are a major erogenous zone for me.

So the ultimate answer for me is: Deal with yo' boobs.

Thank society for planting the images in our heads of "perfect bodies" and "perfect boobs"...we grow up reading magazines and praying to the gods above that we somehow will develop assets that men will covet. We don't realize that photoshop does exist and is heavily utilized, or we do acknowledge it, but we've been fed that BS for so long we can't believe it. We don't accept that there are many different bodies, shapes, and sizes in the world and only a handful are showcased regularly.

As women, we're told in media we need to shape up, get injections, and all sorts of other things in order to be "young and beautiful."
It's fucking exhausting, especially when you would rather spend time outside doing something fun rather than staying indoors and spending 2 hours "getting ready."
I'd rather spend money on things that enrich my entire life, not just the "physical beauty" parts.

I will say that I am probably the very definition of average and I'm working on ways to love my average self.

I bought myself a shitload of sexy things this year because I don't have the opportunity of wearing much else besides jeans and a t-shirt due to work. I get to "dress up" when I go biking, but when I'm living my everyday life I feel plain. Not anymore! Now I can feel like a secret ninja sex kitten because I have lace. I will say that updating my underwear and bra drawer has really helped me feel a bit happier with myself. I am WORTH PRETTY UNDERTHINGS. It's basically me taking care of me. Feel pretty, damnit, because you DO deserve it. I let my feminine side hide for too many years and letting her out feels fuckn' AMAZING.

To myself: "You have an amazing body that is strong. You may not be a slip of a human being, but you have strength. You have calves that are filled out and you do not have "chicken legs." If you wear high heels....hot damn. You have an ass. Maybe you have cellulite, but so do a lot of other humans. You have smaller breasts, but you at least have sexy nipples that really enjoy being played with. You have also been told you have a pretty pussy. You LOVE that."

Everyone will have something larger or smaller than you. Maybe a more pleasing shape or size. Whatever! Life is too much of a comparison game for us to waste our time and energy focusing on the differences. If you have the money and time and want to improve something on your body to bolster your physical confidence- right on! If you do not want to spend the money on your body in that manner and learn to love your imperfectly perfect self- I'm here for you.

#happynesslife

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